i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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