Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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