don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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