If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
