it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
