Jerry, you need to find god
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
