Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
