I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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