I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
