just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
