You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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