There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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