If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
