i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
