Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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