I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
