He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
organizing the empties. That sober.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
