There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
