Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
