'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm both gender and math confused
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
