fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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