Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
