I accidentally burped into my bong.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
