I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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