I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
