i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
someone owes me an orgasm
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
