You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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