I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
