you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
