Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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