I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
