Don't you send me to vm
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
