This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
this boner is exhausting
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
