It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize