I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She bit a glass in half.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
