In the future we'll all be gay
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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