I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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