she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
