I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize