She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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