dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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