Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
