I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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