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the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
