i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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