My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
