i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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