Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
