Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
