Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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