Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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