last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
