I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
