I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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