Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
