You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
