I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
