Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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