3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
