He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize